"Ectopic pregnancy at 5.5 weeks...I have nothing more to say." One year ago today, that was the first and only line of my last journal entry. My heart was broken wide open and my hand could not write another word. I thought that day would be my worst, but I couldn't have been more mistaken. Two weeks from that entry, I was in the back of an ambulance losing consciousness and blood by the minute. The medicine they had given me to "absolve my pregnancy" hadn't worked and my left fallopian tube had ruptured. I didn't know all of that then. All I knew was that I was being fed through an IV and had absolutely no more will to fight. I was in pain, I was really dehydrated, I was a grieving mother and I just wanted it all to stop.
Everything at the hospital happened so fast. I was told that I would be undergoing emergency surgery to remove whatever had to be removed and that I would be on bed rest for at least the next month. I don't know what I would have done without my husband. After we found out the severity of the surgery he quietly got up and said that he would be right back. "Where are you going?" I asked. "I have to call your parents T, I'll be right back" was what he said. That's when I knew how serious everything was and how challenging the next couple of months would be. I begged him not to call my parents and right at that moment - I saw my man transform from a young newlywed into a level-headed and protective husband. "No, I have to call them. I don't want them to worry but they need to know what's going on, I will be right back."
What a mess this was! I mean, why was it so hard to have a baby with my husband? When I was 19, in college and being irresponsible, I had gotten pregnant and given birth to a beautiful baby girl without hardly any problem or incident. Now that I'm married, financially stable and 8 years older, my husband and I had already suffered 2 early miscarriages and were now dealing with this ectopic that left me with only one tube and a completely broken spirit. "I'm done...I'm just done." That was all I could say before they wheeled me off to surgery. If I survive this I will have to be thankful for what I already have and keep it moving. I was half-right. It is important to be thankful for what you already have, but I would soon find out that I was not the one who decides when I'm done.
The surgery was successful. We were told that they had to remove my left fallopian tube completely but that both of my ovaries were still in tact and my right tube seemed to be working just fine. "You and Dewayne will have a baby," says my mom. "This is just part of your ministry, you just have to be strong," says my mother-in-law. "It took us 11 years to have you," says my dad. "God is going to bless you with another baby," says my aunt. "We're praying for you Taryn!" says my church members and my small group. I'm glad they were praying because I wasn't. My heart and spirit were broken. Not only was I grieving the loss of yet another baby - but now I was completely helpless and unable to do anything for myself. This was the beginning of God's lesson - His assignment - His transformation. He was not allowing these things to happen in my life for no reason. He had some things to teach me, some things to reveal to me and He also had to remind me of a few things.
I thought I had an "O.K." marriage and I was fine with that, but it wasn't until I was confined to one couch without the use of my core muscles that I was truly introduced to the man I had married over a year ago. For 3 weeks he had to cook, clean, wash me up, feed me, change my clothes and wipe - yes - wipe me after taking me to the bathroom. Because I couldn't make it upstairs to our bed, he slept on the floor every night by the couch just in case I needed anything. He even monitored my phone calls and computer use to make sure I wasn't over-extending myself. Never once did he complain, never once did he seem frustrated, never once did he look tired. He made sure I took my medicine, he kept me entertained with movies, and went out everyday to get me a McFlurry from McDonald's. He doesn't even like sweets but everyday he ate one with me to keep me company. His fraternity brothers came by with cards, flowers and great company - my linesisters would have been there for me in a heartbeat if they had known what I had been going through, but I couldn't seem to gather enough strength to actually say the words and my husband understood that. He took great care of me. "This my child...is a marriage," God whispered that to me one day as I was watched my husband sleep on the floor. At that moment, I fell in love with him all over again.
Through that experience I was also able to look at my beautiful 8-year old daughter through different, much more humble eyes. I realized that life is such a blessing and I should never take her for granted. She was truly enough to love on for the rest of my life and if God never touched my womb again I knew that He had already given me enough love in my baby girl. "This my child...is being thankful," God whispered that to me one day as I watched her ride her bike up and down the path.
If my story stopped right here, I can honestly say that it would be enough. Realizing that you married the right man and being able to truly appreciate God's gifts is enough of a "happily ever after" in my book. But that is just not how God works. As I sit and type this, I am humbled to say that I am 32 weeks pregnant and excitedly awaiting the birth of our son. He has actually been giving his legs a workout the entire time I have been sitting at the computer and I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't know when, but I'm sure I will give him this to read one day and there are a few things I want him to know.
Sweetheart, everything about you and your life is on purpose. You are a deliberate gift from God and there is no part about you that happened by chance. God had been planning this gift from the beginning of time and your arrival in our lives is so much bigger than you will probably ever understand. I have never seen your sister more excited and I have never seen your father more focused. You have changed their lives for the better already and they haven't met you yet. You have taught me how big my heart really is and you have truly brought out the best in me - because most importantly - you have taught me about the depth and detail of God's love...and for that I will forever be grateful. Can't wait to see you in September - mommy, daddy and sissy will be here to greet you with open arms.
