Muh

I can't believe I am doing this...but I said I was starting over and with starting over I am beginning to face my fears. With that being said...this is going to be hard.

5 years ago - my world STOPPED. The day started like any other; I was preparing to produce a LIVE television broadcast, learning how to be a single mom and dating a really great guy - but then my phone rang. Within 30 seconds I learned that my grandmother had suffered a stroke and my parents were headed out of town. Okay, okay...old people have strokes right? I'll see her at Thanksgiving right? That's what got me through the weekend but it wouldn't get me through the week. My cousin picked up the phone at the hospital and said "she passed away at 2:52". I remember what I was wearing, the inflection in her voice and having to book that flight. I knew my life would never be the same.

As I headed out of town I realized that I barely had enough strength to get myself out of bed and raising a child on top of trying to build a romantic relationship was no longer an option for me. I broke up with that guy and poured all of the little energy I had into raising my daughter...and getting out of bed.

When I was concerned about the possibility of my daughter having a learning disability - it was my grandmother who told me that she was fine. When my father suffered a heart attack - it was my grandmother who told me that my "big-headed daddy" was going to be okay. When I was concerned about gaining too much weight - it was my grandmother who always told me I looked nice. When I had to tell my parents I was pregnant and convince them that I could handle it...it was my grandmother whom my dad referenced..."Well you do have a lot of 'Muh' in you - I know you'll be fine" - she was just that strong. Would you want to go on without her?

But I had to. Day by day I got a little bit more energy and gained more strength. I slept in her favorite bed the night before her funeral and as I laid there...I was reminded of how strong she was. I promised her that I would never shy away from the hardships of life and that I would always hold it down in her honor. My grandmother was a very strong woman and she made sure you knew it! I knew that I could never let her down and honestly throughout the years she has never let me down. I pull from her strength on a pretty regular basis.

So here I am five years later and I can hardly see the screen through my tears. But I'm not sad...I'm thankful. I'm thankful for getting the chance to meet her - let alone to have her blood run through me. I'm thankful for her memory and the family legacy that she left behind. I am also thankful for my loved ones who helped me grieve and for the strength of each and every one of my family members. I just hope she knows that she was right...my daughter doesn't have a learning disability and is actually one of the top students in her private school, my "big-headed daddy" is doing just fine and while I continue to work hard to stay physically fit...I must not be doing too bad since that really great guy I was dating at the time decided to wait on me...he gave me time to grieve and eventually asked for my hand in marriage. She might not have been physically at my ceremony but her spirit was...and fortunately and maybe sometimes unfortunately for my husband -- she still lives in me. I love you Muh - Happy Birthday.

Starting Over

I think starting over is the one thing I do the most often. I used to get frustrated at myself for having to have so many "do-overs", but if you don't occasionally need a "do-over" are you really learning? Learning what NOT to do is just as important as learning what to do. Some lessons are more effective when they are accompanied by a pain point. How many times did you have to touch the hot stove before you realized that it wasn't a good idea? Just once...I hope.

Okay, so the last diet didn't work, neither did spending only 45 minutes per week with God, and trusting that person again was definitely the wrong move. So now what? Do you start shopping for a larger size, decide that maybe God is just tired of you and stop trusting people altogether? You could...but why?

Focus on failures just long enough to decide what you did wrong and what you are going to do differently. Then try a more reasonable approach to fitness, get creative in finding ways to spend more time with God and be smarter about the people you allow to become a part of your life. See, starting over isn't so bad is it?

We were all blessed with different strengths and weaknesses (yes, weaknesses can be blessings) so there are some things we are going to get right the first time around; and yet there are other things that we have to "start over" with every time we wake up.

Today is Sunday, November 1, 2009. I need this day documented because once again I have decided to start over. Remember we as prima donnas are responsible for writing our own song - and my song was becoming too repetitive, anti-climatic and just plain dreary. Today begins verse 1 of my new song and for rest of the lyrics; you have to stay tuned - oh and don't forget to write your own.