I have a bleeding heart. As a matter of fact, I have always had a bleeding heart and have finally realized it 27 years into life. There are a lot of consequences for having a bleeding heart when you are unaware. You make a lot of bad decisions that only get cleared up after a substantial amount of pain and heartache. Has life been terrible? Absolutely not, and my bleeding heart (along with my awesome parents) made my childhood as close to perfect as humanly possible. The passion that I approached everyday with was nothing short of remarkable. I didn't start realizing that there was a negative side of bad decision-making until my safety net was abruptly removed from under me as I started life on my own as a young adult. So I really wasn't going to marry my high school sweetheart? Somebody can actually cheat on me...and will...more than once? OH, you really can get pregnant if you have unprotected sex...even if you beg and plead and promise not to ever do it again? WOW. Yes, it all sounds silly now, but try telling my 19-year old heart that.
Life sure has a way of killing the fairytale. Accepting jobs that have absolutely nothing to do with any class you spent thousands of dollars to take, realizing that all those snicker bars you ate now actually show up on your hips and thighs, and most crushing for me, having to acknowledge that in any relationship (that I have been in at least) the butterflies actually do go away and you have to make the choice to either grow your love up into that mature love that the Bible, your pastor and your grandparents always talk about or run away and make yourself available again to feel your stomach and heart sink altogether just one more time.
I'm going to give my bleeding heart another shot. It has been on punishment for the past couple of years so to speak. I have been ignoring it because I didn't know how to control it. It was always getting me in trouble. But what I have come to realize is that there is nothing wrong with my bleeding heart as long as I master the fine art of balance. The practical with the magical. This will only be accomplished by the priceless art of remaining completely honest at all times. How do I feel? How should I feel? Where's the balance?
I am determined to get to know the girl who has been disappointed before, but knew how to fully love; the girl who worked really hard, but enjoyed every minute of her workday; the girl who held an infant baby in her arms almost 8 years ago and promised to approach life with an intense amount of sensibility with the spirit of an innocent child . She's somewhere...I just have to find her.
I like this. It is beautifully written and expressed. You'd be surprised at how parallel this sounds...even at 31. It gives that imagery that you can actually "see" what is written. It could help a lot of people who are feeling this way or who may feel this way in the future, and may not exactly be able to put their hands on what it is or express the words. Again, beautiful. I love it.
ReplyDeleteI love it! So insightful...it sounds like the beginning of a book I won't be able to put down...
ReplyDeleteWe always did have a lot in common! :)
Front...I need you to write a book. And I'll be your Editor :) I concur with Tamara
ReplyDeleteI'll be your book cover illustrator! =) Nice work sis.
ReplyDeleteI love your voice as a blogger! You have a style that feels like we are talking and it is so authentically YOU! Dropping wisdom that Im sure many, including myself, will appreciate and look forward to :-)
ReplyDeleteOutstanding post!! As I was reading, I wanted more. You are really on to something with this. Cousin, I am so proud of you! Let all your anguish and pain flow.
ReplyDeleteAlright, so where's the book? It seems to me like a little time off is finally giving you time to find out who you are, why you are and where you are headed...UP:)
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