Back to the Basics

Since I am on a journey to rekindle my relationship with my bleeding heart, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and do some research. The first person that came to mind was my aunt. I never talk about my aunt and it is completely intentional. I know talking about her means I have to acknowledge the fact that she is no longer here and although it has been almost 7 years, I haven't accepted it. I still talk to her, I still think about her everyday and I always wonder "what would she do?"

She had a bleeding heart. Her heart was too big and I think a little too passionate to stay on this earth. I remember staying at her house one day and she asked me what I wanted from the store. As I look back, I'm sure she meant what type of candy bar or chips, but with all of the innocence in the world I answered...tap shoes. And you know what? We jumped right in the car and we went to the mall where she purchased my first pair of tap shoes. That's just who she was. She lived to please others and never wanted to feel that she hadn't done enough.

She left me when I was a senior in college. We buried her on what felt like one of the coldest days on earth. She knew she was leaving me. I know that because I received a phone call from her a few months earlier and she pretty much laid down the law. She had been sick for a while but her voice sounded particularly strong this day. As soon as I answered the phone she made me promise to listen up and take notes. "Don't work too much in life, you have everyday to do that." OK "It's ok to get up in the morning, get dressed for work, drop the kids off...and then...go to the mall!" OK "Oh, and DON'T get married or give your life to someone before it's time." OH...OK

See the thing is, I was actually planning a wedding for that fall. I thought I was the only one that knew I wasn't ready to get married, but I guess I was wrong. I was never given a chance to have a follow-up chat with her. The next call I received about my aunt was from my brother telling me that her heart had stopped. I guess that bleeding heart had had enough. The doctors were able to revive her and she lived another 6 weeks as family member after family member traveled into town to say their goodbyes. I got to hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her...I also got the chance to tell her that I had called off the wedding and felt more alive than I had ever felt.

She gave me permission to go against the grain. To live my life in a way that was fulfilling to me. If anything, I owe it to her to give it a real go. To live everyday like the next isn't promised. She taught me to never apologize for my feelings and to take pride in the things that made me different. I never saw her bite her tongue or give up the chance to give HERSELF a compliment. I always thought that was so cool. Yeah, that's what we should all do; take the time to compliment ourselves everyday. I'll go first: My nails are looking particularly nice today - your turn...